you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
