I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
