not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
