Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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