Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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