i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
