just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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