this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
