The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
