She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
