last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
In other news, I just burned my penis
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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