I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Everything about him screamed your future.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
