The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
