Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
