the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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