If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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