I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
