WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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