got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
two words: eviction party
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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