I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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