Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
