A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
