those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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