my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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