omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize