I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
