Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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