There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just made out with a guy for $7.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
