I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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