I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize