I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
