I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Pooping to opera.
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