I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
