I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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