Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
