It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize