Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
