There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I wish there were birth control emojis
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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