do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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