I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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