Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize