the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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