if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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