Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
