he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
being pregnant is like rehab
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
