i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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