You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
