On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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