our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
