Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
