I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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