just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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