He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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