So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm like, not good at living.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
