the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
