Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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