i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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