I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
