Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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