neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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