need another drink. this is the easiest way
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
