You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
