i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Randomize
