I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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