I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
