well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
