Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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