I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Randomize
