how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize